Confrontation: Speaking the Truth in Love

Most relationships, especially those of a supervisory nature, require a time for confrontation. This is a word that many people have a hard time identifying with. The Scriptures use this phrase which is quite helpful: “Speaking the Truth in Love” (Ephesians 4:15). That is probably the best definition of confrontation one could ever find.

But then the question arises, how do I speak the truth in love? Wayne Cordeiro in his great book The Dream Releasers has some great guidance for confrontation, or speaking the truth in love. (This book is available in the HighPowerResources.com book section "Church Growth books".

Four Principles of Confrontation*:

1. Confrontation must be based on relationship

2. Confront the error, not the one who erred

3. Aim for a win-win result

4. Assure the other person of their value

Let’s break that down:
1. Confrontation must be based on relationship.
That is, you cannot confront (successfully, that is) based on your position. Just because you are the ‘boss’ you may be required to confront, but if you want a successful confrontation (as a Christian), then you need to confront the person based on your personal relationship either with each other, because you care about each other, or because of your relationship with the organization (for most this will be your church), or your relationship with Christ. The person you are confronting may or may not care about you or your feelings, but s/he may be confronted about what their behavior or attitude is doing to either the organization, or to the name of Christ. If they do not care about the reputation of the church or Christ, then you have a whole other issue to deal with.

2. Confront the error, not the one who erred
This means, ‘Don’t get personal!’ Focus on the behavior displayed, not the personality flaws of the person you are confronting. Unhelpful, “You really have a problem with the way you talk to people!” Helpful, “When you speak to people in such a surly tone, it upsets them, and makes you seem unfriendly and uncaring.” Keeping the focus on the behavior helps people respond better to confrontation.

3. Aim for a win-win result
No one wants to feel like they have lost the battle or lost face. Protect their dignity while you are confronting, or speaking the truth in love. Find a way that you can get the behavior that you want, and find a way for them to feel like a success in the process.

Let’s go back to the example of our surly staff person. Maybe after some dialogue, you discover that s/he really wants to be liked by people. You can coach them on how to be more liked by people. You can help this person to speak in gentle tones and to look people in the eye, and to smile, and as a result of that you will soon be able to bring back reports of how much s/he is appreciated for their new tone. You win, by not angering the flock; the staff person wins by earning more appreciation and friends. Win – Win.


4. Assure the other person of their value
This is really the heart of it all. People want to know that they are valuable and appreciated. If the confrontation is done in such a way that the people feel undervalued, then you have over-emphasized the ‘speaking the Truth’ part, and have under-emphasized the ‘speaking in Love’ portion. You need a perfect balance between the two when you confront.

Speak the Truth in Love, and you will help your church, and help your people.

That’s all for now,
Dr. Bill

[*taken from The Dream Releasers, Wayne Cordeiro, 2002]